Family

Family jokes

Funeral

    • My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

    But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

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    • Job

    • Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

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    • Family memes

    Kid

    • You can make fun of adopted kids all you want. What are they going to do, tell their parents on you? Lol.

    Dad

    • Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.

    Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

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    • Death

    • Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?

    Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.

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    • Uncle

    • Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

    Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

    (AT BED TIME)

    Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

    Ben: "I'm not."

    (Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

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    • Orphan

    • People shouldn't worry about how orphans would feel reading these jokes. It's not like they have parents to buy them a phone or computer to see them, or even a place to charge them even if they did have one.