Family jokes
Q: What can't teachers say to orphans?
A: "I'm calling your parents!"
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?
Father-in-law.
Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?
How do you think Princess Diana died?
...Too soon?
Me and your mom in the bed.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
Daughter: Where was I born?
Dad: Alabama.
Daughter: That is nice.
Mum: We have never been to Alabama.
Dad: RUN!
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t have a home to run to.
20 years later
Johnny: Hey dad.
Dad: Yea?
Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!
Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.
Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.
Dad:...
BlessedBrian’s mom’s birth certificate is a COLLECTOR’S ITEM.
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."
I have a cow over at my house spending the night with me because she has been out in the streets homeless and poor, so my family forced it to come and live with me at my place.
The cow asks me, "Where do I keep all the dairy items like the milk, cheese, yogurt, and meat?" I tell her, "In the refrigerator! Where do you think I keep them, on the farm with all the rest of those cows?"
That night we had to share a room and sleep in the same damn bed. Then she started getting high and drank some cow wine with titty milk, and it made her shit all over the bed.
Why don't teachers give orphans homework? Because they can't go home...
Why can't orphans smoke?
They don't have parents ._.
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they can't call anyone their dad.
If my son was a real man, I wouldn't have caught him fucking another man.
Why didn't the orphan cross the road? Where was he gonna go?
Orphans and homeless people are the same thing.
When do you know your dad knows you are sneaking out? He hears the loud creaks.
What did the bull say to his son when he was going to school? "Bison!"
My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.