Family jokes
If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Yo mama so fat, her birth certificate was an apology letter.
What do orphans like about tattoos? They stick around.
Why do orphans love boomerangs?
Because they always return.
Q: Why don’t orphans have a personality?
A: They don’t have a person in reality!
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!
Why can't orphans walk through doors?
Because they don't have a house to walk into.
Have a child you don't want? Just drop them off at a school they don't know and drive away.
I'm making a website for orphans. [I] won't add the home page.
What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?
They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's going to kill me!"
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because they can't get a home run.
Did you know you can slap an orphan all you want, because what are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Why did Mom cross the road?
To kill you!
Why does an orphan hate playing baseball?
Because it has no home base.
One day I caught my sister talking to my girlfriend, and she said, "You never told me you're lesbian." I said, "No, not at all." My girlfriend asked, "Why did you not tell her?" and I said, "Because every time I bring a girl home, I hear too much noise in her room, and I never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash." She said, "Yeah, the trash is her junk."
Dad: Johnny, Johnny?
Johnny: Yes, Papa.
Dad: Getting women?
Johnny: Yes, Papa.
Dad: Telling lies?
Johnny: No, Papa.
Dad: Well, you're 100% lying because you get NO WOMEN!
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.
DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.
MOM: No, you're not.
"Bill swift here, you make them, we take them!"