Family jokes
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Why can't orphans score in baseball?
They can't find home.
The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.
I hate family reunions.
I see too many of my ex's there.
A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.
The boy asks, "What gave me away?"
The man responds, "Your parents."
Why did the orphan cross the road?
Because there was a dad on the other side.
What is an orphan's favorite store?
Home Depot.
What part is usually missing in an orphan’s computer system?
Motherboard.
DAD: I'm bringing your toys to the orphanage.
SON: Why?
DAD: You're going to need them.
Sister: Why does shampoo have directions?
Me: 'Cause God made you.
Why does an orphan start with an "O"?
Because they only see their parents in their dream.
My mom was poor, so we had nothing to eat. I slept on the floor, but now I'm rich, rich, rich 😜
What do you call an orphan that grows up to be a priest?
Father-less.
Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
Why can’t orphans go to school? Because they don’t have a parent to sign them up.
What's an orphan's favorite part in the Wizard of Oz?
When Dorothy says, "There's no place like home."
Why did the orphan cross the road?
So he can be hit by a car and be reunited with his parents.
Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.
How do orphans have a family reunion?
They use a Ouija board.