Family jokes

What's the difference between an orphan and baseball?

In baseball, you know where home is.

- Yo mama is so fat, when she wears a yellow dress, people yell "Taxi!"

- Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to climb Mountain Dew.

- Yo mama is so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.

- Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.

- Yo mama is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.

Why do orphans play GTA?

Because at least they can be wanted!

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

Why are orphans bad at baseball?

They can't find the home plate.

Kid goes to the kitchen.

Mom: What are you doing here?

Kid: Just checking out the knife.

Mom: So you've chosen death.

Yo mama so fat, when you married your sister, she was big enough to sit on the groom's side and the bride's side.

Why do orphans enjoy orgasms?

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

Dad: "Yes, we arson."

L bozos fell like my grandma on the stairs.

Yo mama so hairy, you got carpet burn when you were born.

Knock, knock. Who's there? You're adopted.

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

A couple has sex in the dark every single night.

One night, the wife gets curious about what goes on, so they start f...ing, and she flicks the light on. When she flicks the light on, she catches him with a dildo playing with her pussy. She's so mad that she started ranting and raving. The husband says, "Honey, I know you're mad, and I'll explain the toy. Just do me one favor: explain the children."

Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.