Family jokes
What is the difference between onions and babies?
I cry when I cut onions.
Why can't an orphan go to McDonald's? There's no point in the words "happy meal."
An orphan went up to Nikola Tesla and asked to travel in time. He then saw his parents put him in a building, saying, "You now live here!"
So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They never hit home.
Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.
10 dicks up your mom's ass!
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "You're." "You're who?" "You're adopted!"
Your mom stinks.
That is my joke.
You mom doesn’t really stink.
I know I am stupid. 🤕
Why were the cherries 🍒 crying?
Because their parents were in a jam.
I gave an orphan an iPhone X for a reason.
It doesn’t have a home button.
What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?
I only stuff the turkey.
Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa!
Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?
Child: I just felt like it.
The next day, the Grandpa is dead.
Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.
Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma.
Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?
Child: I just felt like it.
The next day, the Grandma is dead.
Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.
Child: Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy!
Dad: Oh no. If I survive until tomorrow, everything will be okay!
Survives until tomorrow.
Dad: Whew! That was nice! *Goes to house*
Mom: Honey! I was so worried about you! The mailman just dropped dead on our porch!
(If you don't get it, the mailman is the biological father)
A person walks into the bar and said, "Hey barman, get my son a drink and tell him his dad is dead."
Who said that?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orphan.
Orphan who?
Are you my mommy?
Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "
". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"
Divorce is scheduled for next month.
Dad, I'm hungry.
Hi, hungry, I'm Dad! 👋🍪🍩🍬🌮🍔🍗🍟🍤🍉🍭🍫🍰
My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.
She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...