New Family Jokes - Page 308 - Worst Jokes Ever

I like my kids like I like my lamps.

Hung from the ceiling.

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"

I was on a plane and my mom said, "It's just a little turbulence."

And I said, "Mom, we just got on the runway!"

What do you do when you see a sad orphan?

Nothing, let them wait for their parents.

Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex. His parents look at him in fear. Little Timmy asks, "Mom, Dad, what are you doing?"

The mom replies with, "We are playing house. We'll let you play when you're older," the dad says. So the next day Timmy goes over to play with his friend Johnny, who was, ironically, Timmy's neighbor. Johnny asks, "How was your sleep last night?" "I saw my mom and dad playing house last night," Timmy says. "But they told me I could play with them when I'm older."

After a little bit of playing with Johnny, Timmy went home and saw his Dad playing house with his babysitter. "Dad, what are you doing?" Timmy asks. "I'm playing house with your babysitter," Timmy's Dad said. "But I saw you play house with Mom last night," Timmy told his father. "Well, don't tell your mother," his dad said.

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.

Why did the orphan not play baseball? Because he couldn't find home.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

Why was Timmy sad? Because his dad stapled a frog to his forehead.

If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?

When you ask your sister if she wanna smash, but then she grabs the Switch.

When I was walking home, a couple of married guys were saying, "Your mom is good at her job," but I realized my mom doesn't work.

So I ask my mom, "Why are these guys saying you're good at your job? You don't work." My mom said, "Yeah, I got a new job." So I said, "What do you do?" My mom said, "Job hand, no, I mean it's called a hand job."

I went home one day. My mom said, "Look what a few guys got me." It was a MILF trophy.

My mom asked what does that mean. So I said, "Mom's I'd Like To Fuck." Then my mom said, "These guys want to fuck me?" I said, "Yeah." Then my mom said, "I still got it!"

When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.