Family jokes
Yesterday I was asked where my parents are. I said, "Getting milk."
What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?
An orphan's parents.
Me: I am the second worst thing that happened to these orphans.
Friend: What was the first?
Me: They- they weren't always orphans.
Friend: O-O
What are two things orphans can’t have?
Parents.
Q: Why do orphans work at Olive Garden?
A: Because when you're there, you're family.
What are two things that an orphan can’t have?
Two parents.
Why does an orphan have an iPhone X?
Because they have no home button.
Why can't orphans have sex?
They do not have anyone to call "daddy."
What do you call your mom? Gay.
Why do orphans suck at baseball?
'Cause they can't find home.
My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."
What is an orphan and an apple?
They get picked.
Why do orphans miss half their basketball season? Cause they don't have home games.
Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."
A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.
Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.
So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
A shop assistant is helping a little boy find his mum.
"What's she like?" he asked the boy.
"BIG COCKS AND VODKA!" said the boy.
So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.