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A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

I am the least serious person ever, but whoever is joking about cancer is vile :)

Get some fucking respect, you silly tramp!

I wonder if Stephen Hawking has ever watched Avengers: Endgame... Oh wait, he can't.

What do you call a man who likes rape jokes?

A fucking disgusting scumbag with no intelligence whatsoever. If you actually joke about this, you are the reason humanity has faded.

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Pewdiepie: I am the best YouTuber ever!

T-Series: Go away you f***!

Beast joke ever: my life... Oh wait, I don't have one.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”

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Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say "well done?"

Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box!

About the guy who gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater...

He thought it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Have you ever heard of the stupid coyote? He got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of his legs, and was still stuck!

If you're ever bored, just slap an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?