DoS jokes
What do Hostess Twinkies and the cock of a gay man have in common?
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What do you call the whole population turning into emos?
The Great Depression.
What music do Astronauts listen to?
Nep-tunes.
What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What do you call shaving a crazy sheep? -- Shear madness.
Memes
DIS IS NUT FOR KIDS
A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?
A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
My asian neighbors dinner.
Why do orphans bully people?
Because they can't get suspended.
Contact Parent _______
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
What do kidnappers and Mickey Mouse have in common? They say, "Come inside, it’s fun inside."
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?
Spoiled milk.
What do you call a bunch of depressed kids with AK47s?
Suicide squad. 😂😂😂
How do you escape a French prison?
Yell angrily in German!
There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."
Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."
Priest, "How so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."
Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"
Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."
Then Matt walks out the door.
Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.