Doctors jokes

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.

When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.

The doctor said, "You're all right now."

The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.

That’s like 20 years from now, I said.

He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.

Why is there no medication in Africa?

Because doctors advised, "You don't take it on an empty stomach."

The doctor said I would make it, but then Spider-Man came in holding a PS5.

The doctor had an ego so big, it fell into the ocean fast.

Kid at Wish: I wish I could be Batman.

Doctor: Okay, shoots mum and dad. Doctor: I guess now you’ll have to be gay, you wanted to be like Batman.

Why do doctors use so much lipstick?

Because they love cos-medics!

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!

Doc: Can I help you?

Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.

Doc: When did it begin?

Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).

Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...

Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.

Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?

Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.

Timmy goes to the doctor and says, "There's a crack in my butt, doctor." Timmy, there is a crack in everyone's butt, see?

You know your doctor is gay when he asks you to touch your toes, and then you feel a rub on your back and a tickle on your anus.

Health commercials be like:

Serious side effects can cause:

Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!

What job lets you kill the most people?

An abortion doctor.

So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?

One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!

A doctor fell into a well and broke his collarbone.

The doctor should attend the sick and leave the well alone!

Yo momma so dumb, the doctor wanted to give her a blood transfusion but she said no because she thought it would turn her trans.

Why did the fish go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling “eel.”

I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't read. They showed me a picture of a birthday cake and I thought it was a menorah!