Doctors jokes
What did the doctor say to the orphan?
"I can't help you with cancer, I'm a family doctor!"
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
Abortion clinics are kind of like NAZI gas chambers. Less people come out than go in.
A guy gives labor to a baby girl and a boy twins. The doctor said but the lady was like,
"Ugh, why do I need my husband to be in labor and I want a girl, not a boy, just a girl!"
The lady passed out 😵 and then found out she was in a coma. The man who was in labor died. The two babies got a nanny, an evil one. The nanny killed the babies on their first birthday.
Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave. Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work. Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.
I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.
Why didn't the doctor help the orphan?
Because he was a family doctor!
A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."
Health commercials be like:
Serious side effects can cause:
Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!
Yo mama so fat when the doctor saw her weight on the scale he said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
Why did Peter Parker take Gwen Stacy to an orthopedist?
Because her neck was killing her.
An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.
Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!
Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.
Doctor: I didn’t.
If I was going to the doctor, he asked me to turn around, and he stuck a nettle in my ass.
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
The doctor gave his patient 1 day of life, so he shot him. Then the judge gave him 15 years, so there you go, problem solved.
Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."
Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.
Doctor: I see your point!
Yo mama so dumb, she went to the eye doctor to get an iPhone.