Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Doctors Jokes
Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.
I met a talking lizard. The doctor told me he had ereptile dysfunction! 🦎
Why did the doctor tell the man to go for a mountain walk?
Alps clear the mind! Haha.
They say if Viagra lasts more than four hours, call the doctor? I’m just wondering, it’s been six hours and I’m still hard, should I call the doctor or hop on another woman?
What does a doctor do to make you better?
Helium.
The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.
That’s like 20 years from now, I said.
He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.
There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.
When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.
The doctor said, "You're all right now."
Kid at Wish: I wish I could be Batman.
Doctor: Okay, shoots mum and dad. Doctor: I guess now you’ll have to be gay, you wanted to be like Batman.
Why do doctors use so much lipstick?
Because they love cos-medics!
Yo mama is so fat, the doctor asked for her weight, she told her phone number.
What do you call a rapper who’s also a DOCTOR?
MC Healer.
Why is there no medication in Africa?
Because doctors advised, "You don't take it on an empty stomach."
The doctor said I would make it, but then Spider-Man came in holding a PS5.
The doctor had an ego so big, it fell into the ocean fast.
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!
Doc: Can I help you?
Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.
Doc: When did it begin?
Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).
Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...
Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.
Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?
Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.
Timmy goes to the doctor and says, "There's a crack in my butt, doctor." Timmy, there is a crack in everyone's butt, see?
I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.
I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.
