Di

Di Jokes

Incest

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

  • 0
  • Windows 10

    Stephen Hawking only died because he tried to install Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.

    Stephen Hawking

    The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.

  • 2
  • self-deprecation

    If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

    If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

    I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

    If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

    I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

    If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

    I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

    If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

    I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

    My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

    I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

    I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

    I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

    I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

    I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

    My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

    Help me....

    Word

    What were Brian Cant's last words before he died?

    "I used to do it, but now I cant!"

    Death

    He died because he rolled too far away from the wall outlet and got unplugged.

    Jesus

    Did Jesus die a virgin?

    Of course not, he got nailed before he died!

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  • Death

    How Stephen Hawking died: he drove too far away from the wall and the cord got unplugged.

    Suicide

    I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

    Jesus

    What's the difference between Jesus and the baby in my basement?

    Jesus died a virgin.

    Poison

    The reason why Steven H. died was that someone poisoned his chocolate mousse.