Despair jokes
It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*
What game do emo kids love the most? Hangman.
Flat earthers are completely wrong. If the earth was flat, I would have yeeted myself off the edge years ago!
Three unlucky jungle explorers were captured by a band of cannibals. Whilst being tied to three respective stakes, the chieftain announces that the hapless adventurers were about to die.
"After you're dead, you'll be skinned. The skin will be used to increase our canoe armada, and the rest of you will be food for us and our families."
This announcement was met with gasps of despair from the bound trio.
"There is one small favor I can offer you," the chief went on. "We'll let you choose your own method of death from what we have captured from other explorers."
Some of the tribal members begin walking by, displaying various implements of war and death.
The first explorer chose a crusty-looking musket. Thankfully, the powder load still fired, and he was dispatched without much fuss.
The second chose a knife and quickly drew it across his throat.
Both carcasses were hauled off by various tribesmen.
The third explorer stood there resolute and deep in thought.
After a few moments, the chieftain said, "There is no escape, you need to decide now, or I'll decide for yo..."
"Do you have a fountain pen in any of that junk?" the explorer interrupted?
Baffled, the chieftain sent two of his men to rummage. They came back bearing the pen and a bottle of ink.
When the explorer noticed the ink was Noodler's Baystate Blue, his grin spread from ear to ear.
Gathered round the explorer, spears in hand, the cannibals looked on as he was released and set to work filling the pen with ink.
Confused, the chief began to speak, "I'm afraid we have no paper, and even if you wrote a final letter, we'd have no way of sending it anywh..."
Cackling with triumphant glee, the explorer raised the pen into the air and began ramming it into his torso, nib first, again and again. He then fell upon the ground gasping a death rattle.
Horrified, the chief drew close as the man beckoned him for one final word.
"But why this painful death? When you had so many other more merciful options?" the chief asked.
Laughing, the man gasped his last statement into the chief's ear, "You'll make no boats from me now, and your mouths will be blue for months!"
I laughed when I realized that my suicide letter is way longer than my sibling's college essay.
Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."
My friends: "What's your dream job?"
Me: "I'm going to die young :))"
I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. The person got excited and asked if I can drive a truck.
A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.
The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."
Haha, my life is a joke, but it ain't funny.
Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".
Why did the depressed kid jump off the bike? It was free depressed day.
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
These ain't jokes. These are just sad truths.
I've looked everywhere... I just can't seem to find where I left my will to live.
It's muffi time, 'cause I wanna die, die, die.
Me: I'ma sign up to be a clown.
My friend: Why?
Me: Because my life is a joke. 😂
Suicide is never the answer.
Suicide is the question.
The answer is yes.
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
The teacher is asking you a question.
Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"
Me: "Dead."
Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't know why I am still alive for you.