Dark jokes

Dark humor is like cancer, it's even funnier when children get it.

Kid: "What's dark humor?"

Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."

Kid: "I am blind, Mom."

Mom: "Exactly."

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay people can play Star Wars.

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

"Dad? What's dark humor?" "See that man with no arms over there, son, tell him to clap." "But daddy, I'm blind."

What do dark humor and a person with scoliosis have in common?

Both are sick and twisted.

I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?

Why do orphans hate the color black? Because it reminds them of their dark history.

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.

How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than 10, since my basement's still dark.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

I piss on blind kids and tell them it's raining.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor?

Because it can't hit home.

How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.

Dark humor is like cancer; it's funnier when kids get it.

Two blondes fell in a hole and one asked, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" and the other one says, "I don't know, I can't see."

What do an angler fish and a pedophile have in common?

They both like to hide in dark places, look creepy, and like to lure small creatures.