One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.
Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."
What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?
One of these days, weβre both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.
Back in my day, the chicken dance was where the hen got raped by an angry pack of roosters.
I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parent's names?"
The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling."
The teacher said, "Are you kidding?"
The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother, I am Joking."
Donβt feel bad about this day because thereβs a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."
A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.
The next day, he could see only one color... black.
I beat up a deaf kid the other day. I had to. He kept throwing up gang signs.
I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.
Yo momma's like a cloud, when she disappears, it's a beautiful sunny day.
Azibo works 10 hours a day in the sun and is paid 1 euro an hour. Thanks to a fundraiser we will be able to raise the necessary funds to buy a whip to make him work twice as much.
You were sad because your grandmother died.
The next day, you were washing your face, and you realize sadness made your face BLUE.
People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.
The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."
I overdosed on Viagra yesterday.
It was the hardest day of my life.
I'm 17, right? Anyways, the other day my parents told me a joke they made 17 years ago, but they still haven't told the joke yet.
Just remembering the day when the Jets beat the New York Giants.
I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.
Why are gay dudes so rude?
Because they're fucking assholes.
My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.
The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;
