what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?
you find the real one.
Why can’t orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy".
"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.
(Later)
"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"
One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”
"Dad? What's dark humor?" "See that man with no arms over there, son, tell him to clap." "But daddy, I'm blind."
What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.
Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.
Where does an orphan come from?
Daddy getting milk.
The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.
Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."
Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"
Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."
He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*
Why can't orphans be gay?
They don't know who to call daddy.
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"
Orphan: "My family never came back for me."
School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"
Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"
Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."
Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".
He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"
Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."
You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.
One time I was at home alone with my dawgy, and I was eating peanut butter. I thought since it's oily, I could use it as a lotion, so I spread it all over my private part. My dawgy came over and started licking the peanut butter off my private part, and my private part got big and hard. Then, white stuff came out of my wee wee, and my dawgy started looking up at me and whining.
And then my daddy came home and saw what I was doing and shouted, "What are you doing?" And I said I was using peanut butter on my private part. Then he said, "Well, let me have a taste." And then he started doing what my dawgy was doing.
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they have no one to call daddy.
