My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.
Where did little Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.
What is an orphan's least favorite movie?
Spider-Man, because it told them there was no way home.
My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.
So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.
What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?
Little kids leave preschool.
What do pedophiles and Xboxes have in common?
They both get turned on by kids.
How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.
HAIKU JOKE:
Helen Keller could Fuck a blind man so hard that she Ends up with his child.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
What’s the difference between a priest and target?
Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?
It can't hit home.
A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"
Being an orphan isn’t all bad.
On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized.
Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.
A proud new dad sits down with his own father.
His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.
I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.
Now I can’t get it to shut up.
