Catholic

Catholic jokes

Pedophile

    • I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

    I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

  • 5

    • Nun

    • A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

    The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"

    The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."

    The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"

    The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

    At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."

    The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."

  • 1

    • Orphanage

    • Guys, we gotta stop telling these jokes. They are getting out of h- oh wait no .... Continue.

    Yo daddy so stupid, he threw a Father’s Day party at the orphanage.

    What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? Let’s us prey.

  • 1

    • Irishman

    • Why do Catholic Irishmen in Ireland have a glory hole in the men's restroom inside their restaurants so they can give Irish kisses on Saint Patrick's Day?

  • 1

    • Priest

    • What do a Catholic priest and an Olympic silver medalist have in common? A: They both come in a little behind.

  • 1

    • Confessional

    • A Catholic gay male that is well-endowed goes to confession, and while he is inside the confessional booth, the Catholic priest is sucking his dick, and he says to the Catholic priest, "What are you doing, Father?"

    And the priest says, "It's called giving a blowjob."

    And the Catholic gay male says, "Why are you giving me a blowjob, Father, inside the confessional booth?"

    And the Catholic priest says, "If there was no glory hole in the confessional booth, my son, it would not be called a confessional booth in the first place."

  • 2

    • Pastor

    • One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

    He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

    So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

  • 1

    • Zipper

    • Why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest remove zippers from the pants of gay men in the LGBT community?

    Because he lost his key to his house and he was desperate to get back inside of his house and he thought that one of keys to their zippers would be able to unlock the door of his house.

  • 4

    • Priest

    • What does McDonald's and a Catholic priest have in common?

    They both put their meat in 10-year-old buns.

  • 1

    • Woman

    • How do you know if a homophobic woman that is a Christian nationalist and Catholic is poor enough she would be desperate enough to do anything to pay her bills?

    she would be willing to perform anilingus and cunnilingus on women regardless of their sexual orientation in the LGBT community.

  • 0

    • Mom

    • Person 1: How the freak did you get in my house?!?! I locked the door!!!

    Person 2: But I'm your mom... I have a key. You dumbass.

  • 0