Cant jokes
Why can't people in wheelchairs pass high school?
The pacer test.
Your momma is so fat, she can't even go skinny dipping.
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
A mushroom walked into a pub.
He asked the bartender to give him a beer.
The bartender said, "I can't, you'll get too rowdy."
The mushroom then said, "Oh come on! When I drink, I'm a fun guy!"
There’s so many protests. Every time I see "my body, my choice," I can’t tell if we’re protesting the masks or trying to kill babies.
Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?
Because they don't believe in higher powers.
Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."
Why can the orphan only go to restaurants?
Because they can't have homemade meals.
What's grey and can't fly?
A parking lot.
What Kind of Hardware store can't orphans go into?
Home Depot.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
They can’t find home.
Why can’t orphans use computers?
Because they don’t have a homepage.
What did the bird say to the other bird?
Nothing, because birds can't talk.
Why can’t you give an orphan homework?
Because they don’t have a home to do it in.
Your mum is so smart, but she still can’t figure out why she had you.
Why can’t dinosaurs cross the road?
Because they’re dead.
Stephen Hawking tried comedy.
His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."
Why are so many people mean to orphans?
They can’t cry to their parents.
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"