Canning jokes

I'll stop with the horrible puns if you can say a good joke.

What can jump higher than a basketball player?

An emo kid, they never touch the ground.

My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

You can't drink alcohol or dance.

Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.

"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂

If you're ever bored, just rape an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents!

Hahaha come on people, they don't have parents, we can do what we like with them...

Rape...hurt...and sell them!

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

These two guys were at a bar flirting with these girls. The guy says, "Are you a parking ticket, 'cause you got fine written all over you?"

The girl turns and says, "How about you pay for them, and then I can pay you back with me getting all over you?"

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends, how hard can you throw them?

What type of jam can you not eat?

Traffic jam.

Is that a mirror in your pocket?

'Cause I can see myself in your pants.

What do dead babies and fruit have in common? Both can become smoothies with the help of a blender!

Why did the emo kid try [to] high five the tree?

So it can hang him.

A 9-year-old girl lies on a hospital bed struggling to breathe as she waits for the doctor to come.

The doctor finally comes, and the little girl can breathe much easier after he pulls his cock out of her mouth.

(Pick-up line) If your tits are the Twin Towers... can I be your Osama?

What’s the comparison of an emo and a highlighter?

You can pop their head off.

Why does an orphan go to a spelling bee?

So they can spell "home."

Why can orphans not play baseball?

Because they can't find home.