Canning jokes

Why did the emo kid try [to] high five the tree?

So it can hang him.

What do dead babies and fruit have in common? Both can become smoothies with the help of a blender!

Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?

I named my dog "5 miles," so now I can tell people I walk "5 miles" everyday. 😏😎

Two cunts were walking down the street.

One was doing calculus, and the other one says, "Imagine me, a stupid cunt that can talk...."

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch cold.

Is that a mirror in your pocket?

'Cause I can see myself in your pants.

What type of jam can you not eat?

Traffic jam.

Why do orphans go to church?

It’s the only place they can call someone “father.”

A 9-year-old girl lies on a hospital bed struggling to breathe as she waits for the doctor to come.

The doctor finally comes, and the little girl can breathe much easier after he pulls his cock out of her mouth.

Why do orphans that go to their friend's house get this reaction from the friend's mom:

"Go back to your house, it's late." "Finn, wait, can I have your mom's phone number?" "Finn, wait, aren't you an orphan?" "Wait, don't you have a phone, Finn?" "Wait, I forgot, you don't have a phone because nobody wanted to get you a phone or to get you."

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

A fly is 6 inches above water, and a fish sees it and it leaps out and gets the fly. Then a bear grabs the fish and eats it. Then a hunter shot the bear, and a mouse saw some crackers and then leaped on the cracker and ate it. Then a cat runs down to get the mouse, trips, and falls into the water, and that's the story of how six inches can get a pussy wet.

I like porn a lot. I was wondering if you guys can talk to me.

What is the difference between a redhead and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist!

It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go "barf," American dogs go "woof," and Chinese dogs go "sizzle."

Sonic can run around the world in a second. I can do it in 0.5, but Chuck Norris has already done it before us.

Hi, I'm Madison, but for short you can call me Alex.

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?

There is sperm on the screen.

Student: Hey! Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?

Teacher: No?

Student: All I can say about it is, "Well, well, well."