Canning jokes

Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?

Why do orphans go to church?

It’s the only place they can call someone “father.”

I named my dog "5 miles," so now I can tell people I walk "5 miles" everyday. 😏😎

Two cunts were walking down the street.

One was doing calculus, and the other one says, "Imagine me, a stupid cunt that can talk...."

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch cold.

Why do orphans that go to their friend's house get this reaction from the friend's mom:

"Go back to your house, it's late." "Finn, wait, can I have your mom's phone number?" "Finn, wait, aren't you an orphan?" "Wait, don't you have a phone, Finn?" "Wait, I forgot, you don't have a phone because nobody wanted to get you a phone or to get you."

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

A fly is 6 inches above water, and a fish sees it and it leaps out and gets the fly. Then a bear grabs the fish and eats it. Then a hunter shot the bear, and a mouse saw some crackers and then leaped on the cracker and ate it. Then a cat runs down to get the mouse, trips, and falls into the water, and that's the story of how six inches can get a pussy wet.

Sonic can run around the world in a second. I can do it in 0.5, but Chuck Norris has already done it before us.

What is the difference between a redhead and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist!

It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go "barf," American dogs go "woof," and Chinese dogs go "sizzle."

Student: Hey! Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?

Teacher: No?

Student: All I can say about it is, "Well, well, well."

Hi, I'm Madison, but for short you can call me Alex.

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.

Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.

Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?

B minor.

You’re so ugly, I can see why your dad left now.

What did the blind man say on Christmas?

"I can feel your presents!"

Why is the penis so light?

Because even thots can lift them.

Why can orphans not play bingo?

Because they can't get a full house.