Cancer jokes
9/11.
What's the difference between me and my mate...
I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.
Carys’s mum has chemo.
"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
Cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already at stage four!
James Dalton.
Cancer is the best thing ever! Hahah, fuck all you cancer patients!
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
You know what's the worst about having a daughter with cancer?
You can't pull her hair when you hit it from the back.
Sex.
What has a kid with cancer and Peter Pan in common?
They will never grow up.
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
"Cancer gives you weed. It’s not healthy."
In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.
Guy #1 is being picked up by Guy #2 from the hospital.
Guy #1: Oh man, I just got my prostate checked. It's not looking good.
Guy #2: Why, what is it?
Guy #1: Turns out, I have prostate cancer.
Guy #2: Oh man that sucks...
Guy #1: Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass!
Why is the disease lung cancer never hungry? Because it's eating your lungs.
Cancer cancer cancer cancer. (joke speaks for itself)
"Cancer isn't real. It's probably special effects."
The earth is flat.