Can

Can Jokes

Woman

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

“I was behind you at McDonalds’."

Jesus

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

Mom

Mom: Can I tell you a joke?

Kid: Sure.

Mom: Knock knock.

Kid: Who's there?

Mom: Not yo.

Kid: Not yo who?

Mom: Not yo father.

Kid: Not yo husband either.

Hump

The man says, "Can you hump me?" So the other boy says, "Bro bro bro bro bro."

Sidewalk

What has 4 limbs and can make a sidewalk red? Me falling from a 20 story building.

Orphan

Q: What's an orphan's favorite game?

A: The Sims 4, because then they can simulate having a family.

Eye

Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.

Pilot

Looking out for becoming a pilot, can y'all suggest some good mosques?

Don't want to learn the landing part, though, Allah said it's unnecessary.

Muslim

Finally, some social platform where you can talk about Muslims and not get bombed.

Obv, unless you share your residence.

Chess

"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."

I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-

Remote

Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"

Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."

Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"

Dad: "That isn't the remote."

*Weird background music*

Orphan

What do orphans and police not have in common?

The police can actually go home.

Polar Bear

Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝

“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”

Self Harm

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

TV

What does a blind man crying and an unplugged TV have in common?

Nothing can be seen when they get turned on.

Orphan

What does an orphan and a wheelchair have in common?

They can both be replaced.