What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.
Calendar Jokes
Why did the person get fired from the calendar factory?
Because they took a day off.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
What comes after 69?
Period.
Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I used to think 11/11 was mistakenly 9/11.
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
What is the shortest month of the year?
May, it only has 3 letters!
The fourth month (symbolizing 41%) on the first day, transgenders mourn for the trans suicides.
That day is called "April Fool's."
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They don’t have Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
May.
10/7 is probably a spinoff of 9/11.
You can't convince me otherwise.
Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?
Because they don't have a Father's Day.
Five more days.
What is the difference between you and a calendar?
A calendar has dates.
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
Hey Siri, skip to Friday!
Why do orphans only have 362 days in a year?
Because they don't have Mothers', Fathers', and Family Day!