But jokes

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I'm jealous of cancer. My dad beat me but never beat cancer.

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

Why is it that when I'm in school doing PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but the moment I say "blacks against whites" I'm the bad guy?

There were two twin brothers, Lucas and Marcus. Marcus got a girlfriend while Lucas stayed single.

A few weeks later, Lucas was caught kissing Marcus's girlfriend, and Marcus comes over and says: "Babe, I know we're twins, but I'm Marcus, and that's Lucas you were kissing." And his girlfriend looks at him and says: "I know."

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort it.

Friend 1: What's your favorite drink or food?

Friend 2: Pizza.

Friend 3: Donuts.

Friend 4: I don't eat food but I do drink bleach.

Friend 1: (calling the suicide hotline)

Friend 2: (Calling the parents)

One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,

"What part of the dog did you get?"

A young, innocent little girl is playing hopscotch, and she says, "You step on a crack, you break your mama's back." Then she steps on a crack, so her mother's back proceeded to break slowly. Then she said, "You step on a line, you break your dada's spine," but the neighbor's spine broke, and in happiness, the thought-to-be previous father gets in his car and drives through the garage door...

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

Why aren't there any stray cats in Chinatown?

There are, but they're just listed as "pork" on the menus.

I dropped my phone, but it’s on airplane mode.

Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister.

I'd tell ya a poop joke, but you're my favorite turd.

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

Cesar: What was that good salad called?

Servant: Ceaser, Cesar.

Cesar: Okay, what's going to be the weather like?

Servant: Hail, Cesar.

Cesar: Yes, I know "Hail Cesar," but I need to know what the weather's like!

Servant: Well, it's hail, Cesar.

Cesar: AHHHHH! Send him to the DUNGEONS! NOW!

I am really hot, but I hate water. What am I?

I like this Russian girl, but she hasn't asked me to hang off a cliff while drinking vodka.

They told me I'd never be good at poetry.

But to date I have made 3 jugs and a vase, and they look lovely!