Back jokes

Chuck Norris once ran all the way around the equator and kicked himself in the back.

Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.

Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.

"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."

The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."

The End

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

They should bring Michael Jackson back from the dead so he can star in the Peter Pan horror movie.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.

Why do you have to watch your back at NASA? They want to probe Uranus.

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

So, if the reason people used to hang women was because they were seen as witches back in the day, if boys were to be hung, would they be called wizards?

I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.

Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."