Attended my bosses funeral to pay my respect, on my way out I leant over his casket and whispered lightly.....'Well look whos thinking Outside the box now'.....
I was at a My Chemical romance meet and greet that Gerard didn’t attend, I just thought....NO WAY!
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says you’re next When we attend aFuneral, I say you’re next
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church. You follow him in and under their breath it sounds like somebody says you steal and you say in your mind knowing you have before I’m sorry then somebody caughs and under their breath it sounds like they say again you steal so you whisper quietly I’m sorry... ...then somebody in German says shoot that son of a bitch
what did the soccer player say to the flight attendant, pls put me in coach!
I did a good job of being home from school 🏫
Why can't orphans go to school they can't attend parent teacher conferences
I went to the orphanage and shot everyone in there. It's not like anyone will attend their funeral.
What's white but not black, and red all over?
J. K. Rowling after attending the world premiere of the next Matrix movie.
When you got on an airplane the flight attendant asked which hairline you were flying with.
Little Johnny attends school regularly and often brings a box of sultanas as a gift to his favourite teacher. One morning Little Johnny attends class without a box of sultanas. The teacher enquires, why Johnny "where is my box of sultanas? Johnny Relied. Sorry miss my rabbit died.
A doctor fell into a well and broke his collarbone. The doctor should attend the sick and leave the well alone! (from a 1940 quotations book)
This man walks into a bar and says... "how do i get service here." The assistant bar attendent tells him him to take a seat as the bar tender will be there to serve him shortly. After 2 minutes the man says this is ridiculous that he has to wait. The assistant then offers him a bar snack of free nuts which the man duly eats. Another 2 minutes goes buy and the man then says ok i get it no service of beer but free nuts to which the assistant says hell no the game starts in 10 minutes. Everyone laughs and claps.
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
So this guy right, he has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog. About 2 weeks after he loses everything he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "what do you mean by 'blowing chunks' ?" says the boss. The man replies with, " Chunks is the name of my dog..."
Two guys are on a plane. One of the guys name is Jack. The other is Peter Peter: "Hi Jack" Flight Attendant: "Your going to high jack the plane?!?! Jack: "No my name is Ja-" Flight Attendant: "Every body stay calm! These two men are going to high jack the plane!" Jack: "No, no. My name is Jack and my friend here is an idiot."
Pilot: This is my last flight everyone Passangers: *Clap* Pilot: I became a pilot for one reason. To conquer my greatest fear. Flight Attendant: And what is that? Pilot: Dying alone. * speeds up towards Twin Towers* Also the Pilot: Now who is ready to play some Jeng------
