Asked Jokes

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building, who would hit the ground first?

The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions!

An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"

Mom asks, "Who are you talking to?"

The child said, "A mistake."

I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.

There was one kid that came home from school and asked his mom what dark humor was.

She said, "Well son, do you see that guy over there across the road? Go give him a high-five."

Son said, "But I can't see."

Mom said, "That's the point."

An emo man asked a librarian for a suicide book. She said no because you won't bring it back.

I asked the orphan if he wanted to watch all the Tom Holland Spider-Man movies with me, and he started crying.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

What sexual position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your mum!

I saw a kid crying in the corner. I asked them where their parents are. Man, I love working at an orphanage!

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

I asked my orphan friend what his movie is, he said "Spiderman: No Way Home." I said, "Probably because it's so relatable, right?" He started crying. I don't know why.

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

So, one day a teacher asked, "How many of you have thought of committing suicide?" Half of the class raised their hand, but the teacher said, "Where are Jesse and John?"

So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."