Ares jokes
I saw a girl crying. I asked her, "Where are your parents?" She cried as I got kicked out of the orphanage.
For all the planes who are flying alone, you're not dying on your own.
Why are people so worked up about 9/11? They were just playing Jenga.
"Gay Furry Femboys are cool."
The last words of a depressive person are: "Yay, Freedom."
Are you the twin towers?
Because I want to crash inside of you.
Apparently terrorists and Japs are the same; they both went kamikaze.
Roses are red, violets are blue, but at least a dumptruck isn't as ugly as you.
I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Shrek is ugly, but not uglier than you.
When do you know your dad knows you are sneaking out? He hears the loud creaks.
Having cockroaches in the house is a sign that you've food.
These things are like Ugandan girls, they hate poverty.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Owl.
Owl who?
Who? Are you meant to ask "who?"
What to do when you're bored? Punch an orphan in the face. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?
Why are Liverpool not disabled friendly?
They never walk alone.
What is the difference between a suicidal person and you?
None, you are both dead on the inside. Lol.
What do Michael Jackson and math have in common? They are both hard for kids.