Are jokes
Kid: Are you gay?
Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
You are the reason double doors were invented.
Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?
Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six, you be the nine.
Memes
My arms are just a different texture pack compared to my body.
Roses are red, lemons are sour.
Spread your legs and give me an hour.
Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
What are the differences between a preschool and a pedophile's basement? Little kids leave preschool.
All jokes are funny with the correct delivery. Except for abortion jokes, there is no delivery.
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two, but now it's just a sensitive subject.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
People in 1912: "Titanic is unstoppable, even God couldn't sink this ship."
God: "Bet, where are my icebergs?"
These gags are killing me!
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”
Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?
All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.