Appearance jokes

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

A fat man meets a skinny man.

The fat man tells the skinny man: "When people look at you, they think the world's starving to death."

And the skinny man responds: "When they look at you, they know why."

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an Aussie bloke in Bali?

Both are expert drunks, but the Aussie is 100 times better kept. Johnny Depp, in contrast, looks like a demented leader of a violent drug cartel.

Donald Trump is proud of being white, which is strange, considering he's orange. Makes you wonder why he didn't pull a Michael Jackson and bleach his own skin....

Your hairline is so far back, it left before your dad.

Even Steph Curry can't hit threes from behind your hairline.

Your hairline is like the universe, still waiting to be discovered.

I didn't know that COVID-19 was a thing until I saw your eyebrows and your hairline social distancing.

This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.

30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."

How do bitches talk about body positivity when they have no body to even be positive about?

I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.

Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.

Roses are red, violets are black. Why is your chest as flat as your back?

Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.

Your hairline is more bent than James Charles' gender.

When Bob the Builder looks at your hairline, he says, "We can't fix that."

Your hairline goes back to when Adam and Eve were born.