ANS jokes
What’s the difference between an orphan and a baseball field? The baseball field has a home to run back to.
Why would you not let an elephant sleep in the same bed with you?
Because they stink and now the room smells like elephant shit.
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?
Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple can trace back its family tree.
If an orphan were to get a takeaway, what’s the home address?
An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.
He called them: "Asperger's."
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
An apple gets picked.
The Twin Towers remind me of an emote... bing, bang, boom.
When you ask an orphan to come over:
Kid: "Do you want to come over to my house?"
Orphan: "Yeah, sure."
Kid: "Ok, ask your parents—oh wait."
What do you call an orphan's family portrait?
A selfie.
You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.
Why is it better to date an orphan?
Their parents are never home.
If something doesn't make sense to an Eskimo... is it counterINUITive?
If you were to drop an emo and a leaf off a tree, who would hit the ground first?
The leaf, because the emo is always hanging.
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy, ‘Darling, how does my dick taste?’”
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because they can't make a home run.