Ani jokes

Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.

A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.

The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.

The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet!"

Anyone got any new jokes? I ran through all the pages already.

There’s a one-story house in which everything is yellow. Yellow walls, yellow doors, yellow furniture. What color are the stairs?

Answer: There aren’t any—it’s a one-story house.

I went out to buy some camouflage shirts the other day. Couldn't find any.

What happens when you have dry elbows at work?

You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.

Why doesn't Mexico win any medals in the summer Olympics anymore?

Because all the Mexicans that can run, swim, or jump are already here.

Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.

"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.

And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."

To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."

To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have?

Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you.

Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you?

Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.

Ryan and his mother had cookies that day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan.

Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not Susie.

I was in social studies class and I was taking an exam and I couldn’t remember a lot of the information and everyone looked up shocked. A white kid holding a gun said, “You’re about to become history.” I almost forgot that we weren’t supposed to have any lessons that day.

What do you call a cow that doesn't produce any milk? An udder failure.

What time is it when you cannot walk anymore? Time to get a wheelchair 🦽

What is the reason for why women never look to the right?

Because they don't have any rights.

When you can’t have Chinese food because you don’t have any pets,

just eat African food, you have plenty of neighbors!

If Donald Trump gets any worse, they'll have to replace Air Force One with a short bus.

Why can't Stephen Hawking win any arguments?

Because he can't stand up for himself.

Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

"Hey, man, do you have any Ben and Jerry's?"

"Yeah, I have two of them, fresh and preserved in the freezer."

"I meant the ice cream, bro..."