And jokes

Why are there only 363 days in an orphaned year?

Because they don’t have a father's or Mother’s Day.

Why does an orphan play mum and dad?

'Cause they need self-love.

I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

Cancer doesn't leave.

What do you call a war dodo named Bob in WW2 and he came from Mars?

Bruno Mars.

Look at my name and you'll see the joke (read it out loud).

Q: What do a blond girl and a tornado have in common? A: There's a lot of blowing and sucking, then you lose your house.

A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."

The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"

What do suicidal people and apples have in common?

They both hang from trees.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of toddlers.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill’s real name was Randy.

One day I was passing a blind man and I gave him a gun and told him it was a blow dryer.

Next day I went for another walk and saw his grave.

Mom died, so I planted mums and forget-me-nots all over her grave site.

Friend: Slavery isn't good.

Other friend: Yeah, it's terrible.

Me: Shut up and get me a juice!

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

What is black and white and red all over?

Answer: A newspaper.

That is what my 3-year-old told me.

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

What do Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker have in common?

They both died at 95.

Women are like marshmallows because they are white, squashy, and we put our sticks inside you.