And jokes

Women are like marshmallows because they are white, squashy, and we put our sticks inside you.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

Mom died, so I planted mums and forget-me-nots all over her grave site.

What do you call a war dodo named Bob in WW2 and he came from Mars?

Bruno Mars.

Friend: Slavery isn't good.

Other friend: Yeah, it's terrible.

Me: Shut up and get me a juice!

Q: What do a blond girl and a tornado have in common? A: There's a lot of blowing and sucking, then you lose your house.

What's the difference between my dad cumming and cancer?

Nothing, they both stain.

I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.

Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?

Roses are red, lemons are sour, open your legs and give me an hour.

Next time you get a call from anybody, say, "Hi, welcome to Dave's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

Or,

"Hi, welcome to Pizza and Abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce!"

Why are orphans and bananas so much alike? Because they both get split.

Knock knock.

Who's there? It's the Grim Reaper.

Grim Reaper who?

The Grim Reaper who is about to come in your house, smoke some weed, drink some Grim Reaper liquor, and then get drunk.

I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.

Mom: Son, get up for school.

Son: I AM UP *holds up books and says I'm up* IM UP MOM!

Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today and tomorrow. I have to go home from home and walk home. Walk and a bike. Walk, walk, and a bike to school tomorrow night. I have to have lunch with my mom and dad, and I have dinner with you tonight.

He: I am 60 and I have to slog 12 hours a day to make a living. Do you call it life?

She: I am 28 and still a virgin, do you call it life?

What do you call a child predator and an illegal immigrant? Alien vs. Predator.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a horse?

An animal abuse warrant.