And jokes

"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.

What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?...

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?

Santa got the milk.

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

JFK and Abe Lincoln were some of the most open-minded presidents ever.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

What do you call 2 nuns and a prostitute that play football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Your hairline be going up and down like a Formula 1 car!

In middle school, we had to create words with magnet letters. Some kid laid the word "Animal Therapist". I changed one space and got sent home :/

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"

"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter!"

A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "How?"

I don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.