And jokes
I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"
If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”
What is black and white and red all over?
An interracial abortion.
Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.
What’s the difference between me and a bakery shop? The bakery shop has cake! 😞🎂
Memes
Archer riddle has less atoms in his brain than he does in his dick, and his dick is 1/4 of a millimeter.
I remember having a crush on my math teacher, so I winked at her and said, "Don't worry, babe, I'll call you later."
What do you get when you cross the terms homeless and abandoned?
POORphan
Say "lettuce" and spell "cup."
Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...
Bloody seamen.
Fail and fall mean the same thing when it’s downstairs.
What's wrong with 89?
You blow me and I owe you one.
So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.
He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.
What’s black and sits on top of the stairs?
Christopher Reeves in a house fire.
What’s the difference between being a genius and being an idiot?
Being a genius has its limits.
What does grass and Rachel Sutherland’s wrists have in common: nothing, they both get cut.
My wife left me and took the kids.
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!
I saw a sign that said, "Falling Rocks." I tried it, and it doesn't.
You wonder and you wonder. Grandma said you better go to bed now. Tell your dad and grandpa, and your dad and your mom.