And jokes

I went to the shops and still didn’t find Lucy’s dad.

Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?

He woke up and found out it was true.

What does a blind man crying and an unplugged TV have in common?

Nothing can be seen when they get turned on.

What does a ripped jacket and a golfer have in common?

They both have a hole in one.

What do the Twin Towers and a bad joke have in common? They never land well.

Why does an orphan's year only have 363 days? Because it's missing Mother's and Father's Day.

I was at a funeral and made a joke. No one laughed, but someone died.

What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?

Names.

"Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"

"He died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."

(After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"

Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.

Chrome turns you into chrome, but there is a chrome back bling, and it does nothing to you.

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite.

Anyone wanna chat? I'm new and don't know many people.

My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.

I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

An apple gets picked.

What's green and smells like joemama? Shit from a cock.

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

What’s the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You can’t milk a cow for 15 years.