And jokes

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

I went to McDonald's and I saw a line of fat people because they were selling free hamburgers.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples get picked.

If there was a girl and a boy and the boy fell, what did the boy do to the girl?

He fell for her.

What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?

Answer: Hot wheels...

I like my girls like my coffee: Flat and white.

Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!

I pushed a disabled kid down a busy road and yelled out, "Mario Kart!"

Why did Michael Jackson become white? He wanted to be like a ghost, and I have any feeheet.

Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.

What's the difference between a hooker and a burrito?

I don't eat burritos.

The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!

What do an orphan and an apple not have in common?

The apple actually gets picked.

What is similar between Hitler and Trump?

They both want to keep races out.

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Some people say I'm rude, but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I saw this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were. I just love looking at an orphanage.

Me and a wheelchair person were playing tag, and I broke my leg so it can be fair for him.

They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.

It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All I got was dust and my mom's wig.