And jokes

Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.

What’s the difference between the Twin Towers and McDonald's?

McDonald's has a drive through. Twin Towers has a fly through.

How can Canada be one of the most educated countries when Canadians are unable to correctly spell "analyse", "programme", and "aluminium"?

What is the difference between me and a fire?

It's hot.

You have two parts of [your] brain, "left" and "right". In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? One of them gets picked.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day; set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life.

Yo mama so stupid, she shoved a battery up her butt and said, "I GOT THE POWER!"

I once saw a kid walking down the street crying. So I asked them, "Hey kid, where are your parents?" And he started to cry even more...

"Huh. I wonder why he was so sad..." I said as I walked into the orphanage.

What's long and black? Centrelink line.

You're so fat,

when you stepped on the scale,

Buzz Lightyear came out and said,

"To infinity and beyond!"

What do parents feeding their kids and terrorists have in common?

“Here comes the airplane!”

A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.

Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”

What’s the difference between a leaf and an emo kid falling out of a tree? The leaf reaches the ground.

Subway trying to commemorate 9/11: CRASH INTO SUBWAY THIS SUBTEMBER 11TH TO GET 2 FOOTLONG SUBS FOR ONLY $9.11, THAT'S 2 FOOTLONG SUBS FOR $9.11 AND WATCH THEM FALL... INTO YOUR MOUTH!

My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.

Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?

Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.

What makes genders and Twin Towers similar?

There used to be two of them, and now it's a sensitive subject.

Lynx Africa is based on a nice smell. Do you think Lynx England would smell like Stella and disappointment?

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.