And jokes

I recently saw a pun contest in NYC. The owners said there was a maximum of 10 puns that I could submit. I wrote 10 puns and submitted all of them in hopes that at least one would win--however, no pun in ten did.

Is it weird that a milk carton has a date, and I don’t?

Are you a volcano? Because you're hot and I really lava you!

Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.

I'm so poor that when people come over to my house, I come out the window and say, "Ding Dong!"

Don't drink and park.

Accidents cause people.

A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel in his pants.

The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Yarrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

What do Will from "Stranger Things" and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air have in common? They're both named Will, and their lives both got flipped, turned upside down.

There were 3 guys in detention called Zip, Willy, and Pee, and they were all being naughty. The teacher came in and said, "Zip down, Willy out, Pee in the corner."

I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.

What's the difference between Jesus and a gay person?

One created the rainbow, the other one ruined it.

What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?

One is a tool. The other is your mom.

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet. And your mom is, too.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One kneels to pray, one kneels to pay.

There was a person inside who needed help from the police, but the police changed their number, so he ordered a party with pizzas from 2 airplanes, but the pilots were stupid, so they put people instead of pizzas, and one landed on the 93rd floor and the 94th floor, literally.

The teacher once said to some students, "I was an orphan before your principal hired me."

The students said, "Oof, that is sad."

The teacher tried to ignore them and take attendance. She said, "Is anyone missing?"

The students said, "Your parents."

The teacher got offended and later that day quit her job.

What's black and has wheels? Black wheels.

Being incest isn't that bad. I was fingering my sister, and I found my dad's old wedding ring. Winner winner!

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.