And jokes

They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"

What's the difference between your mom in bed and Biden in the presidential race?

Your mom finishes.

Y'all, I'm suspended till Wednesday and can't do much cuz I'm on a tablet, not my computer. Tell autterpop I won't be on till Wednesday or after.

Why do orphans always get picked on?

They can't run and tell their parents.

John Cabot was the first to explore the Coast of Labrador. After he left, he realized that he had forgotten something and had to go back to get whatever it was. This made him the first Labrador Retriever.

What do you get when you cross a stick and a dog? A run away joke...

Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relieved. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. "Nitrogen!" The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good night.”

What does a tuna, piano, and a tub of glue have in common?

You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

But what about the glue? said Bob I. I knew you would get stuck on that!

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued.

Your flesh was delectable, and so was the rest of you.

During WWI and WWII, the infantry would use shovels as weapons and to dig trenches. I bet they really dig that weapon!

What has 3 legs, 4 arms, and 5 heads?

The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

My version of the Roses are Red Poem in MW3:

I thought Soap could trust you. And so did I too. So WHY IN BLOODY HELL DOES MAKAROV KNOW YOU?!

A Nacho has a problem going on, and the Taco says to the Nacho, "Wanna taco 'bout it?"

And the Nacho says to the Taco, "It's nacho problem!"

What's big and yellow and can't swim? A bus filled with children.

A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Mother: Jack, I have good news and some bad news, which would you like to hear first?

Jack: Bad News first.

Mother: I'm dying!

Jack: Mother, I said bad news first.

Mother: *cries*

Jack was never seen again.

A man in a wheelchair and his friend were walking down the street.

Man in Wheelchair: *falls out of wheelchair*

Friend: Are you okay?

Man in Wheelchair: I can't feel my legs!

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

What is the difference between eating a baby and a doughnut?

Babies are healthier.

What's a brother and sister from Alabama's favorite sex position?

The cowgirl.