And jokes

What's the difference between a penis and a gun?

A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.

So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.

The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"

An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.

Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.

When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.

On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."

So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.

A note for my old English Teacher:

Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...

And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!

A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"

What's red and sits in the corner?

A baby chewing on a razor blade.

What's green and sits in the corner?

Same baby, one week later.

Guy 2 whispering: Oh, I got tired of acting gay.

Guy 1: I heard you. Why are you acting gay?

Guy 2: To attract gays and then give them advice.

Guy 1: So what's your advice to me?

Guy 2: That I just know you're gay.

LOL xD

There were three boys on the top of a slide.

The first one went down yelling "gold!" and landed in a pot of gold. The second boy went down and shouted "pillows!" and landed in a heap of pillows. The final boy went down and shouted "weeeeeeeee!"

What do shemales and barns have in common?

Cocks.

I'm autistic, and I find these so funny.

Old Mother Riley, had a fat cow.

She milked it and milked it but didn't know how, she pulled his tail, pulled his tits. Old Mother Riley was covered in sh!t.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.

What do Joe Biden and orphans have in common?

No one loves them!

I live in China and we have no food. We have to eat Chinese food, so I called my dog over.

What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

Bro, stop. You guys are saying the same jokes over and over. If you're gonna tell a 9/11 joke, just go laugh about the Great Thumps.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?

I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cellphone.

Ex-Boyfriend: How and why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die!

Why do orphans like emos?

Reverse "emo" and put an "h" in the beginning.