And jokes

What's red and white and goes 250 miles per hour?

A baby in a blender ;)

I gave a blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.

How are a mouse and a bale of hay alike?

The cat'll eat it (the cattle eat it).

What's yellow and can’t swim?

Your dead fish.

I saw a kid crying today and asked them, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working at an orphanage!

I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.

He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.

He was my least favorite grandparent.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my sister?

There is no difference.

Say "ocean" 5 times and you say "oh shit!"

Me: *listening to music under a tree and smiling*

Random person who sees me: Awwww look at him, he looks so so happy ^w^

Me: *actually listening to depressing music that makes me wanna kill and end myself but just smiles to show that everything's gonna be fine even if it won't*

I hate 9/11 jokes... They always crash and burn, like, dude, it's not funny?

Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought of the zoo and monkeys too!

What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?

They both worry about how she will turn out!

You smell like tap water and cornflakes.

Why did the orphan cross the street? Because they thought that mommy and daddy was on the other side.

Person 1: “You assume I’m gay because I have rainbow hair, I’m wearing a rainbow shirt, and I have a rainbow pride flag behind me?”

Person 2: “You assume I’m disabled because I have deformed arms and limbs, no legs, and I ride around in a wheelchair?”

On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.

Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.

Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.

During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: Started to laugh and said "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!

Hehe

One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

Why do heterosexual men and women that are married in France only perform anilingus on each other in their bedrooms?

Anal sex and oral sex is against the law in France.

Slavery has existed in the western world for 3 centuries, but in the Arab regions it has existed before and is still going on, so why don’t people talk about it?

Because it’s only bad when white people do it.