And jokes
Want my cookie? Come and get it... 😭
If you're happy and you know it, f*** your mom.
Did you hear the news? Michael Jackson died because he choked on 7-year-old nuts and balls.
You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?
Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...
Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.
A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”
Memes
What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.
What do black parents and elevators have in common?
Neither of them can raise anything without a belt.
What does an armed bank robbery and Michael Jackson have in common?
Someone gets hurt.
What's the difference between a priest and Woody from Toy Story?
Woody goes limp when a kid walks in the room.
What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?
We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.
How are boobs and toys similar?
Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.
What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, you look like a donkey, and smell like one, too.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.
What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?
Little boys turn them on.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?
He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.
Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”
Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”