And jokes

I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...

... And pulled a mussel.

How did Jesus become self-sovereign?

He screws himself and becomes his own creator.

What does Fortnite and real life have in common?

They both lost their tower.

What does an armed bank robbery and Michael Jackson have in common?

Someone gets hurt.

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

Jokes are like your grandparents, old and dead.

Marleigh is so fat and ugly.

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

Papyrus: Sans! I heard that a HUMAN has fallen!

Sans: And you gotta bone to pick with 'em?

BF: Babe, I have two questions.

GF: Ok, ask!

BF: Where have you been all my life?

GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?

BF: Can you please go back there?

What is the difference between an apple spread and an orphan spread?

Apples get picked.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you know what else is violent? Suicide with me and you.

What’s the difference between Geico and a wife?

Geico saves you more.

What's the difference between an orphan and cotton?

One gets picked.

A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."

So, a kid is taking a test, and the paper says, "In a pink bungalow, there's a pink fridge, a pink bed, a pink TV, and a pink cat. What color are the stairs?"

So the kid answers pink, like the idiot he is.

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

A pancake and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.