And jokes
A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:
"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"
I heard oxygen and magnesium were dating, and I was like, "OMg!"
She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.
What is the difference between a hundred dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Memes
My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
My four conditions:
1. I need coffee.
2. I need vacation.
3. I need food.
4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.
If there is a guy in a wheelchair and he is a bully, say, "Iām still standing."
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni and got plane. (Yes, it's "plain," shut.)
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
How do you stop all homophobic heterosexual white men from using all public men's restrooms at a rest area?
Make sure that all public men's restrooms at the rest area are always occupied with gay men that have long and thick big cocks, regardless of skin color.
Look for the Gummy Bear album in stores on November 13th, with lots of music, videos, and extras!
And Mary said God had given her a child, so Joseph went and joined Fathers For Justice.
Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop taps the window, and the window rolls down. "Good evening, gentlemen, we're looking for two pedophiles."
The guy quickly closes the window. Ten seconds later, he lowers it again and says, "Ok, we'll do it."
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the men he took home that said they were hungry? "I've got Ben and Jerry's in the freezer."
Michael Jackson was the King of Pop until he got burned by Pepsi. Now, Pepsi is the hero, and now, we know the rest of the story.
What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
Someone didnāt pull it out in time.
Why does Michael Jackson like football, baseball, and tennis? Because of the "balls".