And jokes

What’s the difference between an onion and a viola?

No one cries when they cut up the viola.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside of people's houses? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.

Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss, and they don't know what can't hurt them.

What's cold, blue and makes women cry?

Cot death.

"Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate."

God loved you so much that He gave you one face and started clearing off a place for another.

Quiet kid reaches down and class starts running.

Quiet kid: What's wrong? Pulling out my...

Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?

Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!

What’s the difference between a dog and parents?

If an orphan calls their name, only the dog comes back.

Papyrus was playing with the human, but then Papyrus fell and he broke the cell bone of the human.

Sally had 69 boobs, which was 222 many, 69,222. So she went to the doctor on 51st street, 69,222,51, who gave her pills. She took them 8 times a day, and now she is boobless.

What’s big and black on the road?

Hi, I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? The Constitution says you do, and so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this country is innocent, and that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque!

What's the difference between Putin and Hitler? I don’t know, you tell me.

There's this smart way to sneak a calculator into school. I've heard of it. You take the calculator, put it in a gun magazine, put the magazine in the gun, and bring the gun to school!

What's Michael Jackson's nickname?

Nivea black and white.

How does a tree access the internet?

By logging in and branching out!

Did you hear about the baseball game between America and Ethiopia?

America - 8

Ethiopia - didn't.

What do high school kids and Dow have in common? They both test chemicals.

My dad died in 9/11, and that was the second worst thing that happened to me with a plane, next to Soul Plane.