And jokes

What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus?

The picture only takes one nail to hang.

Hey, Mom, I'm back from the circus parade. It was amazing! First came the elephants, then came the tigers in the cage, and then came a beautiful lady on a white stallion. Oh, and what came after her?

Asked the mother, "Dad and every sailor in the state of Tennessee," said the boy.

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

The Bible said, "Adam and Eve..." So I did both.

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?

A sourpuss.

When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"

How are the Twin Towers and genders similar? There used to be two, but now it's a sensitive subject.

What do a condom and a gun have in common? You should never use either one of them.

What’s the difference between a barcode and Rachel Sutherland’s wrist?

Nothing, they both get scanned for a fresh new pack of razor blades.

What do me and a casino machine have in common? It takes about 50 pumps to get to the jackpot.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"

What do a school shooter and a person with gum have in common?

One's the pull it out everyone wants to be their friend.

2 weeks here.

What do dicks and popsicles have in common?

They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.

Actor 1: "I'm Michael with a b and I hate insects."

Actor 2: "Where's the b?"

Actor 1: "THERE'S A BEE???????????!!!!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!"

Why don't you act like an amoeba and split?

Are you made of Gallium and Yttrium?

Because you are looking a little bit GaY.

When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.