And jokes

I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

...A girl scout that got hit by a car.

"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snow balls.

What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?

At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.

What is the difference between a dead baby and an orphan?

The dead baby happened on purpose while the orphan came out as an accident!

Charli tries to roast me: Roses are red, violets are blue, and you look like poo.

Me: You must have been born on the highway because that's where most accidents happen.

Little Johnny was getting beaten up by two kids, so I came and helped.

He won’t stand against the three of us!

What's the difference between genocide and mass murder?

Genocide is racist.

What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?

Her miscarriage.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture?

A: One uses one nail to hang.

Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.

I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"

I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak, and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.

I looked up how fast cum shoots and it said 28 mph. That means that ejaculation is illegal in school zones!

You are so skinny that the only difference between you and a leaf is color.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, and the condom ripped; now they have a daughter.

What's the difference between Pikachu and an orphan?

Pikachu, I choose you!

What’s the difference between Jesus and Maddie McCann?

One had the last supper.