And jokes

I went on a walk last night with a really hot girl. Then she noticed me, and we went for a run.

A young boy was picked up by a strange young man who put him in his car and drove into an abandoned farm.

"This place looks scary," the kid said.

And the man replies, "I know right, I have to walk out of there alone."

I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

...so I threw a dictionary at him.

What’s the similarity between peas from Tesco and emos?

They both have barcodes.

If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a heartwarming story about a shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?

Liam: I like you both.

Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to paris.

Mother: That's means you like dad more.

Liam: No, its because i like paris.

Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to America.

Mother: Why?

Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.

Helen Keller walked into a bar, and a chair, and a table, and a wall.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

what's the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop up an onion.

It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."

Me and a person downtown.

Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.

Me: I guess so.

Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?

Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.

Person: Why'd you stop?

Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

What's the difference between a school and an ISIS military base? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

I used to get pushed and called lazy in school.

Man, I loved that wheelchair.

Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?

They both had an open mind.

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.