And jokes

An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.

Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.

What is the difference between a feminist and a female prostitute? If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.

ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.

Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?

No seriously, what is it?

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls.

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.

How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?

None, it's all tongue and groove...

What is the difference between a man performing anilingus on a woman and a man performing cunnilingus on a woman?

If a man is performing anilingus on a woman, it is not classified as heterosexual sodomy, you fucking idiot!!!!!

What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?

Alien vs Predator.

What is the difference between an orphan and Pikachu?

"Pikachu, I choose you!"

Me: Want to play 911?

My little brother: What's that?

Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

when you don't have a phone to play Fruit Ninja and improvise.

Chuck Norris once put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.