And jokes

What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?

No seriously, what is it?

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls.

I used to get pushed and called lazy in school.

Man, I loved that wheelchair.

What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.

What is the difference between a man performing anilingus on a woman and a man performing cunnilingus on a woman?

If a man is performing anilingus on a woman, it is not classified as heterosexual sodomy, you fucking idiot!!!!!

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.

What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?

Alien vs Predator.

Me: Want to play 911?

My little brother: What's that?

Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.

What is the difference between an orphan and Pikachu?

"Pikachu, I choose you!"

ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.

Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

when you don't have a phone to play Fruit Ninja and improvise.

Chuck Norris once put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

Teacher: Describe a penguin.

Student: Black, white, beak.

Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.

Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.

Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.

Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.

Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?

Student: It describes you tho.