And jokes

What's a similarity between a cliff hanger and nooses?

They both leave you hanging.

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.

Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.

What does your mom and a slinky have in common?

They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.

Why don’t orphans and Chinese kids play baseball. The orphans can’t find home and the Chinese kid will eat the bat.

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he's still trying to back out of the driveway.

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

I won't reply to every joke today because I want to say thanks to everyone for making funny jokes here. Every time I have a bad day (almost everyday), I always go here and read relatable jokes. It makes me happy and it's making me less anxious. I am really stressed with my school work and everything; I feel that I'm being left alone. Everyone compares me to others and all I can do is listen. I don't get enough sleep because of it... Reading these jokes entertains me and makes me laugh so hard.

I apologize for my grammar.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.

I didn't know that COVID-19 was a thing until I saw your eyebrows and your hairline social distancing.

What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?

McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.

Q. What’s white, sticky, and better to spit than to swallow?

A. Toothpaste.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

What's brown and rather bad for your dental health?

- A baseball bat.